pity

it was my playground, a simple apartment

across the street from strawberry milkshakes

over the hill from train watching

up on the roof observing all that ever was

in my little yellow room playing soldiers

down the darken hall questions lurked like mice

while in the kitchen stew smelled like comfort

it was a faultered-faultless childhood

a fitful-fantasy that kept me in hiding-wonder

would they ever stop quarelling

would my hands ever grow big like his

would my heart ever grow full like hers

would i survive in a world without them

as i listened to the chirping of birds out of sight

and saw the patterns forming i wouldn't brave

for all the frozen tears  i knew

for all the fumbled fears

for all the crazy questions

for all the delusions denied

i could not reconcile my outer growth

with my stunted inner

i only knew that whatever would befall me

i would tumble

out of something, into something

i didn't want to leave

but couldn't be trapped...

ever elusive peace, joy, happiness

now i've said the happy words

and regret i've shared the pity