not funny (reprise)

"i’m not funny anymore
fail to roll you on the floor
even left breadcrumbs at the door
became one huge colossal bore
but at least i’m not a whore
and not someone to abhor
or a pest you would ignore
maybe a twit you could adore
if i was one continuous roar
just i’m not funny
any frigging more"

or maybe i never was,
cold sober.

or maybe that's all i am,
not enough.

or maybe it's you,
who's changed.

as we wind down and spin off and turn towards tomorrow, as it happens, so they say.

i've seen you

oh i've seen you

not at all desirous

glances in the mirror

i've faced you before

you almost broke me

yes i was humbled

have no fear you say

you'll be back

with a vengeance

one last time

this i know

i'll avoid you now

taking deep breaths

in the sweet woods

that burn in the dark

where you lurk

but if i falter

as i will

and can no longer

count my fiery stars

you'll know damn well

i tried my best

to stare you down

scars

what is a scar
but a break in the flesh
or a break in the heart
that once held beauty
and now binds

it's a sign
that forever what purpose
or deed or thought or action
created
is healed

and it's love
that sees beauty revived
as time reveals

storms

the still waters
by the sweet serene grasses
triumphant 
reflecting truth
as rapture reveals before the storm

the destructive waters
by the rubble of ruins
morbid
reflecting truth
as rage reveals during the storm

the surrendering waters
by the open hearts' gates 
drowning
reflecting truth
as romantics reveal after the storm

beauty (for beautiful)

outer beauty is easy
you're either born with it
or medicine can take care of it
and
either way
someone will always find someone physically beautiful

inner beauty is not so easy
not so sure you are born with it
or if medicine can take care of it
and
either way
someone will always find fault
even if it's only yourself

beauty can be coloured with rainbows
or camouflaged with puppies
but that's artificial and not critical thinking
it has to be formed from a vision
of you
by you
that is not stable on quicksand
but formed on Precambrian Shield
rock-hard truth

and this formation can be built
over weaker truths
over past regrets
over hurting memories
but
like addictions
only if you really, really, real y
want it

and i know you have it
for i have found it in you
through the dark illusions
the pain, the suffering,
the giving not returned
the resistance to embrace it

and all i can do
is hope you find it too.

man's natural state

man's natural state is fear

certainly those who clutch religion

certainly those who cling childhood

and those using “man's” to mean human's

but fear:

is an awareness

a truth, a motivator, a life preserver

a consciousness, a sense of being,

a reminder

is a contradiction

fearing alone, fearing hordes

fearing loss, fearing gain

fearing love, fearing hate

is a struggle

relief from pain is an unexpected joy

something you can't know if you don't fear

something you can't fear if you don't know

is not cowardice

cowardice is not knowing

a state of being unnatural

inhuman.

death is the ultimate fear

but why do we fear life

we are the living dead

and death is our reality

yet we linger still in morbidity

and can't cope with immortality

because that's overwhelming

the heart could not endure

and in fearing, in living, in being

we are humbled and satiated

as our little secret is everyone fears

so why not us

pity

it was my playground, a simple apartment

across the street from strawberry milkshakes

over the hill from train watching

up on the roof observing all that ever was

in my little yellow room playing soldiers

down the darken hall questions lurked like mice

while in the kitchen stew smelled like comfort

it was a faultered-faultless childhood

a fitful-fantasy that kept me in hiding-wonder

would they ever stop quarelling

would my hands ever grow big like his

would my heart ever grow full like hers

would i survive in a world without them

as i listened to the chirping of birds out of sight

and saw the patterns forming i wouldn't brave

for all the frozen tears  i knew

for all the fumbled fears

for all the crazy questions

for all the delusions denied

i could not reconcile my outer growth

with my stunted inner

i only knew that whatever would befall me

i would tumble

out of something, into something

i didn't want to leave

but couldn't be trapped...

ever elusive peace, joy, happiness

now i've said the happy words

and regret i've shared the pity

2008 (remembered)

it has to end

this culture of fear

he says

with audacity

and courage

revive

a culture of confidence

they line up for blocks

around cobbled corners

just to see him

just to hear him speak

youth, without colour,

no time to waste on hate

even the jaded the cynical

warming to hope and change

bobby kennedy magic

and eldrige cleaver soul

rising up again

lighting the way

so here's to you america

and a parting cheer

l'chaim "to life"

and the end of fear.

what it is where it is

fly and dream

and live in wonder

cry and scream

and often squander

i really really ponder

the what the where

the crossing to what

love

self-love

being loved

loving

the borderline to where

is there a place for a love song

as time goes by

someone to sing to

or be sung to

someone to say goodnight

or to say goodnight to

who would know

who would care to know

the lonely

the loveless

the songless

the listless

it's where belonging

becomes offensive

and offending belongs

it can't come

from mere words

can it? may it?

be prudent

be patient

so they say

you only live once

or so, so others say

as the air becomes heavy

laden with an approaching inevitable

there is the sadness that permeates

and the haunting that creeps

into the play

of light and shadow

in the dusk

it's not comforting

it's more a reminder

or not

of the impenetrable demarcation

what it is where it is

boston view

thought-prayers

violating insight 

downward eyes

unfocused pain

blurred vision 

detached retina

delinked perception 

humanity invisible

no clear plan

in sight

remain

we are the remnants

of our upbringing

of our childhood

of our home town

the bicycle we coasted to freedom

the playground we sandboxed to discovery

all the pleasure pathways

frozen in the mind

unmelted by time

or by wasted years

or by grown-up tears

those red-blooded days

of forever innocence

even as physical changes come

and warp and rebound and deface

even as mental changes come

and warp and rebound and debase

those nuggets of beauty

the captured fragments

remain

without dreams

following the stars

that brought me here 

beckoning 

 sleep now

there's nothing more to do

than trace the paths of glory and defeat

both gained and lost 

and listen to the music of the stars

feeling a symphony all its own

 but

 if i should go to orion

to leave my earthly world to another orb

then at least

i know i have soared through the night

and touched all i could feel

like being wrapped in moonglow

and fantasy and shining wonder

believing in tomorrow's brighter hue

~ ~ ~

without dreams

the weight of life

is heavy

lost and found

who am i

but a vagabond

enduring a world of strangers

it's not often

i've traveled upon

throughout my suitcased past

a sympathetic soul

just as lost and incognito,

like a discarded transplant

which saves life,

as i,

who soars through the stars

seeking refuge from life's sorrows

the one who doesn't love to impress

but loves when impressed

the one who cries at the simplest things

and laughs at the toughest

who am i indeed

but so fortunate and found

missing

the mornings that you're not here

find me famished

but i can't eat

though hollow from the nights before

in the afternoons i lose all senses

with petal-less gardens

and imprints in the blades of grass

reminders of where we lay

but it's the nights i miss you most

the interminable nights of intolerable empty

where i hide in sorrow

in the darkest corners of the gloom

the long loud scream

there's a sea of ice
under which we'll crush
and a sun of gold
under which we'll melt
a torrent of rain
under which we'll drown
a tremor of earthquake
under which we'll smother
yet this earth continues what it has to do
for its inhabitants know not what they do
as we pass the ribbon of rubicon
under the big bold bright balloons
waving a carnival of streamers
of freedoms and liberties
the dopamine of our playground
unable to resist the riptide
stumbling fumbling tumbling
beyond the tipping point
like roller coaster riders
at the apex of the long loud scream
toward silence